just tell him i said nine months
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I believe in your delicious
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
