so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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