i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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