Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
