I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
