I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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