can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm really busy with my period
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