i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
