And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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