the condom got lost in my hair
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize