Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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