Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
