just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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