She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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