Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
