We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
