When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
