I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize