I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
