its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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