I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
