I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize