I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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