she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
