he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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