So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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