the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
