she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
