In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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