You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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