I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
