My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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