This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
