is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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