I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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