Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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