One blow job doesn not make me gay.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
