When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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