Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
