Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
