Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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