I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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