Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
