Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
