The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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