CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize