Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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