Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
