If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
