Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
