When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
