my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
