the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
