I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You ate ashes out of my bong
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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