Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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