he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
