If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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