note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
