Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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