I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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